On the worst day of the year...

Today is the worst day of the year. Did you know that?

Saying that though, you might have your own worst day. Mine was created on September 2nd 2003 at 6.59pm (ish). Most people have their own date and their own time and their own person.

There is the before and the after.

The knowing what death is and the actual experience of it.

There is losing people and the knowledge a full stop can be applied to a person.

There is no meaning to it. No great lesson to be learned. It just is. I get through today, endure the sadness and pointlessness and bigness, and then, I go back to my after life. Even writing this, there is no reason. The words wanted out and so I let them out. Even though I rarely talk about it. Even though the thought of sharing this makes me feel sick.

Thirteen years. Am I working that out right? I used to keep track so precisely, and then, the time didn't seem as important as the loss. There are so many things she is missing. So many things we are missing. And like scar tissue that won't quite heal, like a phantom limb that won't stop itching, like a heart that won't fully go back together, she is always there. Always with us.

Not that I wouldn't want her to be. Not that I ever want her to fade. But shock passes. Pain eases. Horrible things become reality become life become the way things are. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being that much in pain, to really feel the loss, not as this dull ache, but as the crystalised cut ratcheting through my chest and family and life. Just to know it was real. I'm sorry there is no meaning here, no grand life lesson about appreciating what you have because in a phone call, a bad turn, a wasted second, it could all be destroyed (it can) but sometimes people aren't lessons.
Sometimes they are just missed.
And today I miss my sister.
And today I miss all the things she didn't get to do.
And today I miss all the things she never saw me do.
Today is a day for missing.
Tomorrow, well, who knows what tomorrow is going to give?