Six weeks of freedom

Sitting in a cafe in Prague, waiting for a eighteen hour bus ride to London, I think its time I update this thing I call my blog.

Travelling exactly six weeks today. It feels like so much longer and so much less. The burnt-out, tired and stressed women who left Dublin is not quite a memory but she's getting there. Think maybe an actual person is emerging. Less overwhelmed and stressed, less focused on controlling everything. I wonder now, looking back, why I let it get so far. Why did I think working myself so hard, killing all the things in me that made me me, for a job and another job, and that third job, was worth it?! Why did going from doing my masters and working full time to doing my writing and internship and working full time happen?! Was it so important?! Who's race exactly was I running and what would I win at the end?!

Nothing. That was my prize. Well nothing but exhaustion and disenchantment. Wondering what the point of it was. I wasn't living. I was breathing. I was surviving, just about.

And now, I'm starting to remember how to be happy, how to enjoy moments. Standing on an overnight train, somewhere in Germany, middle of the night, total freedom. Chill night air hitting my warm face, sound of crickets echoing through the darkness and no one, not even me, having a clue where I was in the world. Hell, that's living, that's life. A band I would never have gone to see playing at a music festival. The energy, excitement and dancing. So much dancing, I hope I never stop dancing. Its these moments of clarity, of pure unadulterated joy, that are reminding me there is so much more to life then that tiny box I locked myself in.

Throwing away that key, tearing down the walls and burning it to ash. Scattering the remains in every place I go, a reminder to myself that I am free. I am not trapped anymore. And to any one feeling how I did, lost, alone, bone weary, it will get better. You just have to decide that their rules don't bind you, their beliefs don't negate yours. Let them go, throw it all away. Do what you want to do and screw the rest of them. It can only get better from here.