My glass is empty: Week four

Holy crap, I've made it to week four. I don't want to claim that its miraculous, but lets be honest, it's a little bit impressive. I mean I do spent a large amount of my time in bars, surrounded by alcohol and drinking people. I never realised how much of my social life is based in pubs and other alcohol related events. I have no shame saying (well, maybe a little) that I miss it; the end of the week first sip, the going a bit mad tonight drink, the let's meet up for chats wine.

There was an actual miracle this week; I actually enjoyed not drinking!

Yes, I know. I have reached sainthood. The pope will be ringing anytime now to condemn me to Hell...but that will be for all the other things I regularly do. Anyway, two nights out, a trip to the whiskey bar and a house party, and both were brilliant without a drop of alcohol. The best part was on Saturday and Sunday I was up early, not hungover, and got to spent my days doing things (writing group, Pitch Perfect 2, finishing a bunch of work and seeing friends). It felt like I did something over the weekend instead of just drinking and recovering.

I've been discussing alcohol with people. I now do that a lot while I try to figure out why it's been such a big thing for me to give it up for six weeks. The support I've received for giving up has been amazing by the way; loads of people have gotten in contact or mentioned it to me which has been so freaking cool. I just wonder why it's considered such a big deal (including by me), why it is so hard. Because it has been hard, weird, a struggle and an adjustment. Not drinking is odd. I'm starting to think it's a big part of my identity as an Irish person. I know I don't need to go into any facts or figures for us all to know that drinking is a massive part of Irish culture.

←Younger me drinking all the beer

I've been drinking consistently since I was seventeen (gave it up for six months in second year of college) but ignoring that, I've been drinking for basically ten years straight. We won't mention earlier attempts (sorry Mam!). Ten years of most weekends, a lot of weekdays, house parties, nights out, nights in...all revolving around alcohol. So if it takes 66 days to form a habit, I think I'm pretty set in my ways. Something like 90% of my facebook pictures (I made that up) are me drinking or on nights out. This is what I do. I socialise with drinks. This is probably what we all do. Sitting in to watch a movie, have  a few beers. Heading out, have more than a few beers. Dinner, have a drink. Sometimes even the cinema equals more alcohol. Holy hell Ireland, we really do know how to drink.

I also drink a lot of tea in case you're wondering→

I just don't know how I didn't notice this before, didn't really think about it. And let's be honest I'll probably go back to normal when the six weeks is done. Ten years of habit ain't gonna be broken in six weeks. But a little part of me doesn't want to go back. I'm enjoying it. Weird, I know. It's nice to remember what I did on a night out, to wake up and not be hungover, to never wonder if I need to be embarrassed, or have that sinking feeling of dread, the shit-I-fucked-up moment. But here's the problem, part of me adores being out of control. Adores the feeling of letting it all out and then blaming the alcohol, dancing and drinking and kissing inappropriate men and being a big mess and just having that sort of uninhibited fun. It's a different level, something you just can't reach when you're sober. Sober Fran and Drunk Fran are currently not speaking, one wants to stay and the other wants to come back. I'm not sure which one I want to be. Because I think it's like I said in my first post; it all starts off healthy and balanced, but you always slip back into the mess. Mostly, because It Is Fun, So Freaking Fun.

So, going into week five and I have no idea if I'm going to go back to drinking or if I'm going to try stay sober at the end of all this. I miss drinking. But also I don't. The weirdness is over too, it would be easy now to stay off it. Everyone knows.

All I know is I feel good, like really good. Better than if I'd been drinking for the last few weeks.

(The reason I'm doing this can be found here. Week one is here. Week two & three are here.)