Something more...

There is a possibility I'm slightly lost. A possibility I take the long way around in everything I do. A possibility I haven't a clue what I'm doing . Ever look at your friends and think hey, they've clearly got it all sorted? Ever look at your life and feel like it's burning to the ground? Okay, dramatic maybe, but I know we all feel that way sometimes. I know I do at the moment. No income. No job. No finished book. Still living at home. Still living in Dublin. Adventures feel few and far between. 

I'm a smiley, happy person. Positive and optimist and so sure I'm doing the right thing. Except I'm not sure any more. Searching for the answer, for the something more is, exhausting. But... Is this it? Is there not something more? Does this happen to others? This biting, hollowing need to be somewhere else? The need for something else? The fear you'll never get to where you want to be?

I live with the longing for the away-ness. I live with the want for something I may never have. 

It's the normal bits, see? The every days parts that I find challenging. I live for the highs, for the moments where you are so truly alive and so immersed in life that the rest of it fades away.
I'm a writer.
I collect stories and those are the best places for them.
I'm a dreamer.
I collect moments and use them to remind myself of how good life is.

Because it is so amazing, so awesome, so much better than they let you believe with their mortgages and permanent jobs and gaps in your C.V.  With early mornings and never enough sleep and no magic and broken hearts. With bills and rent and tax and crappy shoes.

It's the stories that last.
The moments.
The perfect ones and the painful ones. 

Right there, crystallising your life into one solid second. Their are ones that changed me radically and irrevocably. Took who I was and twisted it into something different. Sometimes with sharp edges that people cut themselves off. Other times I was softened into something warm, attracting people to me so they could bask in the safety, the calm. Life isn't down in the day to day stuff, the bits you forget. Life is the night that doesn't leave you, or that train stop that allowed you to breathe again, or the kiss that broke your heart. It is the friends that put it back together and the man of steel and the comic book lover and the festivals and the laughing. 

It is when you pause, take a breath and think, that was it.
That was something important. 

At least for me it is. 

These moments happen when you least expect them but you need to pay attention to them and collect them, add them to who you are and let them change you. Change, grow, hope, wish, live, be and do. Do something, do everything. Never stop trying and finding and learning. Because they are so easy to lose in the screech of alarms and the traffic jams and work and coffee and co-workers and arguments and TV and housework and bad nights sleep and repeat, repeat, repeat. 

Try not to lose them. Try to cherish it all. Because it's worth it when you get one. A perfect second of living.

Right now, I'm lost, unsure, that biting anxiety is sitting in my chest. I've no idea what I'm doing. I may be burnt out. I may just be having a bad week. I may just have to accept when you want something more, life is alway is a little bit harder. I may have to compromise. I may need to bend to the whole life thing. Give up. Make myself normal for a while. Accept the experiment failed. I am not more. I am just me. Little. Small. No one important. 

But then I think fuck it. Might as well keep fighting to find something that makes these tiny few seconds on the planet worth it. Because I'll be dead long enough and who wants to be normal anyway? 

Doing what you love...

I have to say I took to being back on the alcohol like a drowning woman gasping for air. Two massive weekends in a row and another one coming up. May need to do another six weeks off to recover from this month. But this is not about alcohol.

This is about people doing things they love.

Specifically music. I got to see my friend, who's been telling me about his music for two years, play last Friday night for the first time and it was amazing. There is just something magical in music and gigs, words and melodies. Something about the passion and dedication it takes to create something truly original. It's all yours, wouldn't have existed without you. And Dan is dedicated and talented. Plus, he's stopped me going back to retail more than once. That's friendship right there.

His passion for music saved me more than once when I was struggling to do everything; work full time, intern and write. He knew what he wanted and reminded me to keep fighting for what I did. I like being surrounded by people who are doing what they want from life. They're always so happy to be around; positive and sure of themselves. When I wasn't doing what I wanted, they were an inspiration. And it doesn't have to be something arts related, I'm lucky to be surrounded by so many; musicians, scientist, O.T., radiographer, midwife, writers, poets, businesswomen, teachers, media, retail... the list goes on. Although to anyone with no idea what you're doing, I love you guys too. I was one of you for the longest time. Try to find people who are happy in what they're doing. It is both wonderful and depressing. It helps while it hurts.

But! The music! Danny C and the Blond O Sonic Rape Alarms! Dave, Declan, Ste and Tom! They were brilliant. You'd never know the band had only been practicing together for four weeks before they got on stage.

Someone told me recently that they know I was a good writer (having never read anything I'd written) because when I talked about it I have a cocky but humble attitude. And that is exactly how I would describe Dan. When he talks about music, his passion for other peoples and for his own, you know he's going to be  good. You can hear it in the way he expresses himself, in that humble but cocky way he speaks. Friday night didn't live up to my expectations, it exceeded them in every way. He writes all the lyrics and music. He sings and plays guitar. And what a gorgeous guitar it is; a Gretsch electromatic. They played all original songs except a QOTSA cover.

And as Dan said "that's enough of the Karaoke."

Brilliant gigs, great music and definitely one to look forward to in the future! I tried uploading a video of the gig and failed miserably. So have a cover he did for the marriage referendum here.

(Not set up much on social media yet but you can follow him on twitter here @WikkaDan )

My glass is empty: Week five and six

I blended the last two weeks because I had nothing to say in week five. I know shocking; me with no words. I was just enjoying being sober and never hungover and having a bit of extra cash while quietly counting down to the end. 

And now, I'm done...six weeks, not a drop of alcohol. Not too shabby. 

My first drink

This was a weird few weeks. It was not even slightly what I expected. I didn't think I would spend it trying to figure out why I drink. I just thought it would be a slightly challenging thing to do, six weeks without alcohol. A bit like not talking to a good friend when they go travelling. Life continues but you feel the absence of them, that lonely space in your life they used to own. A space they fit back into so easily when they return, and trust me, it was easy. Friday night, exactly six weeks after I'd last gotten drunk, I was back in the whiskey bar drinking wine. Ah wine, my dear friend. It's good to see you again. 

When I decided to put this online, it was for accountability. I figured I needed people knowing so I wouldn't start again. And it worked because I would never have made it past week two. I mean I only started enjoyed it around week four. I definitely didn't think I would be putting so much of myself out there, little chunks of my thought process online for people to read and judge and joke about. It's been weirdly rewarding and wonderful (thanks to everyone for the support). Even my close friends have said it was like a chance to look in my brain and figure me out a bit more, understand the things I do. I'm not what you would call the most talkative when it comes to feelings and such. Someone recently referred to me as emotionally removed...harsh right?! But I know what they were trying to say. I am not the person to discuss the bad stuff, the really important stuff. That all stays inside and I use it to write the good stuff. You want to know how I deal with things, feel about things, how I think think; read my writing. Apparently there I'm an open book....hahaha.  

My first night out in pictures...we went out for a quiet drink, got home at six in the morning! It involved doing a poetry reading at Flying South (I may put my attempts at poetry up, probably not...) the whiskey bar, a nightclub, two Canadians, Eddie Rockets at five in the morning and up at nine for Foo Fighters. Worth the wait! One of the best drunk nights I've had in a long time. Still drinking felt weird, and I was a little drunk after two glasses...

    

If you know me well, you know I have to ask why about everything. It used to drive my old manager insane. 

"So this is the how we do the figures."

"But why do we do them that way? Is there a reason?"

"No, that's just how they're done."

"But why? There must be a reason for it." 

*Death stare* "I'll find out."

                                                                                                  

Why something is done a certain way, why you're supposed to do it, what the point is, the reasons behind it; I need to know, need to figure it out. I want to do things that mean something; being with a group of friends I've known forever, listening to a band whose music makes me feel something, working a job I care about. Life is so short, and sometimes so fucking cruel, that I have to know my actions and words meant something; added up to something worthwhile. I'm always, always searching for the bigger meaning, the bigger worth of my life. Which can be exhausting and frustrating but also crazy rewarding. And that's what happened with this; I was never going to just give up alcohol. I was going to have to figure out why and how and who and what and question and question until my brain melted out of my ear and I had figured nothing out. But at least I'm questioning, looking, investigating and always thinking. I need more and sometimes alcohol gives me that opportunity because it takes away the fear and sometimes it means I lose out because it dulls or skewers what I know. 

In conclusion, I've learned nothing and I've learned something. My brain is a hard place to live. 

I've no idea if I've a healthy relationship with alcohol. I think I have an Irish one and an interesting one and a complicated one. 

And that's gonna have to do for now. 

(The reason I'm doing this can be found here. Week one is here. Week two & three are here, Week four is here.)

My glass is empty: Week four

Holy crap, I've made it to week four. I don't want to claim that its miraculous, but lets be honest, it's a little bit impressive. I mean I do spent a large amount of my time in bars, surrounded by alcohol and drinking people. I never realised how much of my social life is based in pubs and other alcohol related events. I have no shame saying (well, maybe a little) that I miss it; the end of the week first sip, the going a bit mad tonight drink, the let's meet up for chats wine.

There was an actual miracle this week; I actually enjoyed not drinking!

Yes, I know. I have reached sainthood. The pope will be ringing anytime now to condemn me to Hell...but that will be for all the other things I regularly do. Anyway, two nights out, a trip to the whiskey bar and a house party, and both were brilliant without a drop of alcohol. The best part was on Saturday and Sunday I was up early, not hungover, and got to spent my days doing things (writing group, Pitch Perfect 2, finishing a bunch of work and seeing friends). It felt like I did something over the weekend instead of just drinking and recovering.

I've been discussing alcohol with people. I now do that a lot while I try to figure out why it's been such a big thing for me to give it up for six weeks. The support I've received for giving up has been amazing by the way; loads of people have gotten in contact or mentioned it to me which has been so freaking cool. I just wonder why it's considered such a big deal (including by me), why it is so hard. Because it has been hard, weird, a struggle and an adjustment. Not drinking is odd. I'm starting to think it's a big part of my identity as an Irish person. I know I don't need to go into any facts or figures for us all to know that drinking is a massive part of Irish culture.

←Younger me drinking all the beer

I've been drinking consistently since I was seventeen (gave it up for six months in second year of college) but ignoring that, I've been drinking for basically ten years straight. We won't mention earlier attempts (sorry Mam!). Ten years of most weekends, a lot of weekdays, house parties, nights out, nights in...all revolving around alcohol. So if it takes 66 days to form a habit, I think I'm pretty set in my ways. Something like 90% of my facebook pictures (I made that up) are me drinking or on nights out. This is what I do. I socialise with drinks. This is probably what we all do. Sitting in to watch a movie, have  a few beers. Heading out, have more than a few beers. Dinner, have a drink. Sometimes even the cinema equals more alcohol. Holy hell Ireland, we really do know how to drink.

I also drink a lot of tea in case you're wondering→

I just don't know how I didn't notice this before, didn't really think about it. And let's be honest I'll probably go back to normal when the six weeks is done. Ten years of habit ain't gonna be broken in six weeks. But a little part of me doesn't want to go back. I'm enjoying it. Weird, I know. It's nice to remember what I did on a night out, to wake up and not be hungover, to never wonder if I need to be embarrassed, or have that sinking feeling of dread, the shit-I-fucked-up moment. But here's the problem, part of me adores being out of control. Adores the feeling of letting it all out and then blaming the alcohol, dancing and drinking and kissing inappropriate men and being a big mess and just having that sort of uninhibited fun. It's a different level, something you just can't reach when you're sober. Sober Fran and Drunk Fran are currently not speaking, one wants to stay and the other wants to come back. I'm not sure which one I want to be. Because I think it's like I said in my first post; it all starts off healthy and balanced, but you always slip back into the mess. Mostly, because It Is Fun, So Freaking Fun.

So, going into week five and I have no idea if I'm going to go back to drinking or if I'm going to try stay sober at the end of all this. I miss drinking. But also I don't. The weirdness is over too, it would be easy now to stay off it. Everyone knows.

All I know is I feel good, like really good. Better than if I'd been drinking for the last few weeks.

(The reason I'm doing this can be found here. Week one is here. Week two & three are here.)

My glass is empty: Week two & three

Apologies for missing my update in week two. My laptop decided to quit and I got to pay a whole bunch of money to get it fixed. This is what it looked like before I cracked the screen trying to push the loose connection back in. Then it became a creeping line of black blood which eventually engulfed the whole screen. Not at all scary when you've forgotten the last time you backed up your work*

*Reminder to self: back up your shit. 

But brief outline for week two: I didn't drink. 

I did try non-alcoholic beer. I was on a night out and was feeling weird and exposed with my non-drinking. It's odd how much I rely on alcohol to unwind, to make me feel just that little bit more comfortable even with people I know well and places I go a lot. Being sober is different in a place where you're usually drunk. You are so much more aware; of yourself, of others, of the music and the crowd. It's like a crutch you don't need but keep using out of habit. Once you realise you don't need it, you're fine. And yes, I am saying I'm like Watson. (Sherlock nerds will get that. Anyone who doesn't, why aren't you watching Sherlock? It's amazing.) 

I started off well with some tea. But when we got out I thought a fake beer was better than no beer. I felt a bit like this was cheating, but I'm making the rules right? The sugar hangover I had the next day confirmed it I was in fact a big fat cheater pants. You know there is 18 grams of sugar in one bottle of fake beer. I had two. 36 grams of sugar. I cannot confirm or deny which is worse; an actual hangover or a sugar one. They are both gross. Headachy and tired and crappy. So at dinner on Sunday, of course, I had another two. Just for research purposes. Plus I was missing drinking. There, I admit it. It's weird how much it comes up in my life, how left out I suddenly feel. 

Starting my night with a cup of tea. Responsible.

 Moved on to the alcohol free beer and the tiny wolf I called Murphy.

So I survived week two.  Week three was better-ish. I went to a gig of a friends band, Here To Help You Out, and they were amazing. They should play in The Bronze. That's how good they are. Also we need to set that up. Come on Buffy fans, you know I'm right. Go listen to their free EP. I'll wait...amazing right?! Anyway, I spent saturday wandering around town with the bestie doing random things like eating, shopping, looking and glancing. Yes, sounds boring but it was actually great. Especially the glancing. You can steal so much with a glance. Also bought a new notebook for the next story. It's so exciting when it is just a few crumpled ideas in your head forcing their way together into something coherent and alive.

I came to the conclusion throughout week three that I live a less exciting life than I thought. Apparently all I do is work and drink in the whiskey bar. Ah the lies we tell ourselves! I was sure I was social and outgoing and living some exciting adventures. Turns out, nope. I write, I edit, I intern, I drink a few drinks and I swim. I don't really DO anything. It's a nice existence. I don't deny it but I'm 27 not 87.

What do ppl with lives do?! Could someone let me know?! 

I'm a writer, or attempting to be one, so I spent a large portion of my time living in an imaginary world... it's nice there mostly...but it means I don't do much in the real world. When I look up from my laptop and see there's an actual world out there, I get very hyper. If you meet me after a long writing/editing session, I am at my most excitable and charming. Seriously, hang out with me then. I'm the best. Put alcohol into the mix, I'm charming and lovely. And believe me, I'll continue to tell you that fact. All evening.

But anyway, it turns out all I do is work. I mean, why wouldn't I? I've have this amazing opportunity to do what I actually want to do. Instead of working jobs I don't want but that pay me, I'm doing something I adore but has yet to, you know, make me any money. I remain hopeful. When you're given a chance like this, you don't waste it. You grab the damn thing in both hands and you fight until you get what you want. So, everything else has taken a sidebar; social life, men, adventures in the real world and general putting myself out there. Me a workaholic?! Who knew? Pretty sure my friends and family would have confirmed this sad realisation years ago. I need to invest in my social life, if not for my mental health than for my writing. I mean, drinking does not guarantee that you're interesting but if I run out of life experiences I won't have anything worthwhile to write. 

I think I might be boring. Some suggestions to cure this malady would great.

Alcohol has become a way to chill out, to unwind, but it is also a place to hide. Drink in the same bar with the same people and don't ever vary that routine. Because it's easy. And that is what was disappointing with the non-alcoholic beer, because that night, I went to the same bar followed by the same rock bar. Nothing is changing. Even without alcohol. Apparently, it's hard to take risks and throw yourself into life when you want to work as much as I do. Or maybe I'm making excuses, maybe I'm hiding. 

Because I went out into the world. I remembered how fucking awesome life is. And now, I don't want to lose that knowledge. I don't want to take risks, or do anything really, in case I break what I fixed. In case, I end up dark and twisty again. Even if some of my best writing comes from that place. But that's not good. One of my friends told me I keep saying I'm living vicariously through her. I totally am. And through my characters, other ppl stories, their words, songs and adventures. I sit, I observe, I enjoy. But I don't do. My work is quiet and done alone. It's cut me off from ppl, adventures, things, stuff, feelings. And for someone preaching about a big life, about taking risks and doing things; I'm sure as hell not delivering on the advice I'm doling out. 

I'm comfortable, complacent, happy. 

It's such a dangerous thing, happiness. You'll do anything to keep it. Sometimes that means doing nothing. But I only earned it by accepting the possibilities, being daring, doing things. Quitting my job, leaving my apartment, travelling and having faith in my writing. 

So, I'm ending this post with a nod to dark, twisty but risk taking Fran. 

I'm going to find a few new ventures, do some stupid things, create some stories, break a few hearts and figure out how to have a big life when you're not falling.  And I'll  do it all without my crutch, without the silliness that is alcohol.

(The reason I'm doing this can be found here.)
(Week one is here.)

Six weeks without alcohol....Lets Go!

Let me set the scene: It was Friday night. I'd been working all day and it's time to chill out. I met up with some friends, had tapas, drank sangria and headed to my regular for some wine and chats. I think everyone would agree it's a pretty perfect night. Good food, good company and very good times.

Until Saturday morning.

My head! My body! Why does wine hate me?

It felt like my head was trying to detach from my body. Like my brain had been sucked dry and was gasping for water in the empty caverns of my skull. But the worst part was I missed a writing course I'd been looking forward to for about three months. Couldn't leave my bed, was way too ill. It got worse. The weather was fabulous, friends were meeting up in town, and I was on my couch trying to convince my brain not to move out. My brother had friends over, about 30 lovely, loud friends, and I spend the day hiding in the sitting room avoiding the increasingly drunk and excitable people. It got me thinking.

How many of my activities revolve around alcohol? (A lot of them. Most of them if I'm honest.) And how much money to I spend on it? (Almost all of it.) And what could I be doing if I wasn't wasting full days lying on the couch? (Lots of fun, exciting things.) And what effect is this having on my poor, long suffering body? (Probably more than I know.)

So the plan was created in my poor hungover state. Six week without alcohol.

I do know what you're thinking. Who hasn't decided to  break up with alcohol after a bad night? Who hasn't decided they're done with all it's false promises and bad decisions? Done with the broken hearts and sick stomachs? The regrets of drunken texts and words that should never have been said? The embarrassment and shock at the amount of money spent? Sworn off the evil liquid....but only until the next time. Like a bad relationship built on false promises you think this time will be different. You understand your limits now, you'll never abuse it again. And it's good for a while, you respect each other, drink water, and stop when you've had enough. But it never lasts. There is always another drunken night followed by the never-drinking-again ritual.

I rarely have bad nights. When I came home from travelling in October, those bad nights, drunken messes to clean up of regrets and mistakes, were rare. But recently there does seem to be a few more mornings of oops, a few more hangovers, forgotten conversations. A pattern is forming. The relationship is become reckless again. Alcohol is daring me to go further each time and pushing my limits. And this is not mean girls. A limit has to exist.

                                          


So, back to my plan. Six week is a doable amount. I want to try new things and have fun. Pretend I'm travelling and Dublin is a new city to discover. Luckily, my wonderful best friend is on board. Wants to try the new things with me. I'm nervous. I've tried this before but never with much conviction, mostly the decision has been based on a hangover and some bad night. But this time, it's been building. Sitting at the back of my head since January, waiting patiently for me to decide the right time. Which is apparently now. I'm telling everyone, creating some sense of accountability. Most people are supportive, some have laughed, some think I'm insane. But, that's fine. Better insane than predictable.

So, my glass is empty and hopefully it'll stay that way. Wish me luck.

(Week one can be found here.)
(Week two & three are here.)

The Studious Sun

The sun highlighted the important clouds, distinct lines of orange and red, studying for some unknown exam, casting its knowledge is some unreadable message.