Anxiety to Adventures...

"It's such a dangerous thing happiness. You'll do anything to keep it. Sometimes that means doing nothing. But I only earned it by accepting the possibilities, being daring, doing things." -11/05/15

It's been just over a year since I wrote those words, and boy, was I right. Happiness is like sand through your fingers; no matter how hard you try to hold on to it tiny grains will slip away. And if you're not careful, if you don't refill the sand every few days, weeks, months, it'll all just disappear. I did take my own advice. I went out. I lived. The only problem was I forgot to refill the sand and now it's gone. I gave it away to others I thought needed it more, I fought too hard for things that were never mine to begin with and I broke myself again and again and again for, at the end of it all, absolutely nothing. Nothing. Not a damn thing.

The last year has not been easy.

But, fuck it. I am here now and I am never one to wallow for long. The anxiety has faded, the pain is easing and the counselling is a godsend. Seriously, why did I hold out on that for so long? It is freaking awesome. Hello, trained professional, please help figure out why I'm caught in a never ending pattern of terrible decisions, worse men and self fulfilling prophecies. Oh, because of my inability to form boundaries...

*Starts building a wall Donald Trump would be proud of*

Last year, I set myself a six week challenge of no alcohol. This year it's a little bit different. This year, I just want to be happy again. I want to remember why I love being alive so much. Because, holy goddess, I love the adventures and the excitement and people and music and books and EVERYTHING. It is so ridiculously wonderful the unlimited possibility of joy around us and I want it back. So I have set myself a challenge, and with a challenge, comes accountability.... And with great power comes great responsibility... Sorry couldn't help myself...

This blog, yet again, is my accountability. The name of the game is adventure. It is saying yes.

(Press play now) 

Right now, I finally feel like I'm ready to start over again with all the nice things life has to offer. Fun and sun and pretty things. I want smiles and laughter and hugs and sweets. Comic books and movies and sunbathing and beaches. Trips to the zoo and city breaks and seeing friends and eating good food. Dancing and gigs and terrible puns and drinking in the sunshine.

So my list so far:
Trim Castle
Acapella Group
Forbidden Fruit
Amsterdam- Best Kept Secret Festival
Edinburgh (Harry Potter tour and other touristy things.)
IMMA Summer Party
Edinburgh (for a literary festival this time)
Galway
Kerry
Newcastle
(also get a tan but that is an ongoing struggle)

Feel free to send me some ideas. Join me. You're all invited. Invite me places. I'll say yes.

If you want live updates follow me on Instagram where I put up pictures way more than is healthy. Also I have a twitter but I'm not great at the whole updating of that. I'll try harder though, I promise.

Six weeks without alcohol....Lets Go!

Let me set the scene: It was Friday night. I'd been working all day and it's time to chill out. I met up with some friends, had tapas, drank sangria and headed to my regular for some wine and chats. I think everyone would agree it's a pretty perfect night. Good food, good company and very good times.

Until Saturday morning.

My head! My body! Why does wine hate me?

It felt like my head was trying to detach from my body. Like my brain had been sucked dry and was gasping for water in the empty caverns of my skull. But the worst part was I missed a writing course I'd been looking forward to for about three months. Couldn't leave my bed, was way too ill. It got worse. The weather was fabulous, friends were meeting up in town, and I was on my couch trying to convince my brain not to move out. My brother had friends over, about 30 lovely, loud friends, and I spend the day hiding in the sitting room avoiding the increasingly drunk and excitable people. It got me thinking.

How many of my activities revolve around alcohol? (A lot of them. Most of them if I'm honest.) And how much money to I spend on it? (Almost all of it.) And what could I be doing if I wasn't wasting full days lying on the couch? (Lots of fun, exciting things.) And what effect is this having on my poor, long suffering body? (Probably more than I know.)

So the plan was created in my poor hungover state. Six week without alcohol.

I do know what you're thinking. Who hasn't decided to  break up with alcohol after a bad night? Who hasn't decided they're done with all it's false promises and bad decisions? Done with the broken hearts and sick stomachs? The regrets of drunken texts and words that should never have been said? The embarrassment and shock at the amount of money spent? Sworn off the evil liquid....but only until the next time. Like a bad relationship built on false promises you think this time will be different. You understand your limits now, you'll never abuse it again. And it's good for a while, you respect each other, drink water, and stop when you've had enough. But it never lasts. There is always another drunken night followed by the never-drinking-again ritual.

I rarely have bad nights. When I came home from travelling in October, those bad nights, drunken messes to clean up of regrets and mistakes, were rare. But recently there does seem to be a few more mornings of oops, a few more hangovers, forgotten conversations. A pattern is forming. The relationship is become reckless again. Alcohol is daring me to go further each time and pushing my limits. And this is not mean girls. A limit has to exist.

                                          


So, back to my plan. Six week is a doable amount. I want to try new things and have fun. Pretend I'm travelling and Dublin is a new city to discover. Luckily, my wonderful best friend is on board. Wants to try the new things with me. I'm nervous. I've tried this before but never with much conviction, mostly the decision has been based on a hangover and some bad night. But this time, it's been building. Sitting at the back of my head since January, waiting patiently for me to decide the right time. Which is apparently now. I'm telling everyone, creating some sense of accountability. Most people are supportive, some have laughed, some think I'm insane. But, that's fine. Better insane than predictable.

So, my glass is empty and hopefully it'll stay that way. Wish me luck.

(Week one can be found here.)
(Week two & three are here.)